Comedy Central

1 02 2008

I had been called into my local comedy hearing aid clinic for my annual hearing aid checkup.

Now, my audiologist Mirza is something special. He’s given me the best audiological care I’ve ever had. I saw him for the first time last year. I had been complaining for a few months that my digital hearing aids weren’t working properly, I wasn’t hearing things right, and the hearing aid clinic kept telling me they were set properly. How annoying. If I’m the person actually wearing the aids, I would be the expert on how things sound through them, wouldn’t I? Mirza then took over and carried out the most extensive and accurate hearing test I’ve had in years. It turned out that my original hearing test had been wildly inaccurate – I think it had been done by a trainee. He also gave me a type of earmould which I hadn’t used before, to-die-for soft silicone with parallel vents. They’ve been the most comfortable I’ve ever had.

That was last year. This year was an absolute comedy, it should have been televised.

Mirza – Hello, I’m allergic to dogs so can you leave him outside
Me – No. His breed is specifically for people with allergies.

So we both went into the audiology room (why are they always so tiny with tiny tiny windows?). I tied Smudge up to a chair by the doorway and he went to sleep against the open door. His lead was stretched across the open doorway but that was ok, it was flat on the carpet and we were both in the room. Mirza brought up my audiogram on the screen and said my hearing loss meant I could not understand speech without lip reading. There are people with a similar level of hearing loss as me who can comprehend speech on the phone but sound is distorted for me as well, therefore I have to rely heavily on lipreading, and he thinks I manage amazingly well. (Isn’t it nice to get a pat on the back from someone for all that lipreading!) Mirza asked how I was coping with the digital aids. I shrugged and said ‘Not great’. He asked to see them and I handed them over.

Mirza – Look at these! When was the last time these were re-tubed?

He checked the computer…. 18 months. Ooops. Well, I have a busy social life and a full time job! That also meant it had been 18 months since I’d had new earmoulds. They were so comfortable that I hadn’t given them a second thought. Mirza said he wouldn’t be able to get the old tubing off the hooks so would have to put new hooks on the aids. He showed me how to re-tube and then I put them back in. Much better – I could now hear noise outside in the corridor. He advised that I should re-tube every month. Every month! Sheesh!

He called in a trainee and said she is going to take my earmould impressions. ‘Oh great’ I thought, now I’m going to get shite earmoulds. He explained he would do the first one, then Sara would do the other one under supervision. He told me to sit back in my chair and make myself comfortable. I tried.

Mirza – You’ve got VERY short legs, haven’t you?
Me – Yes
Mirza – What happened?
Me – I don’t know
Mirza – You didn’t get enough vitamins when you were younger!

He pushed a foam block into my ear, to stop the wax pulling out my eardrum (his words, not mine). What a lovely thought. He pushed it so far down that I winced. OWW!

Mirza – Oh don’t be so sensitive! She’s far too sensitive! Who would marry such a sensitive girl?! Are you married?
Me – No
Mirza – Why not?
Me – I’m too fussy
Mirza – Will you take me out for dinner tonight?
Me – Maybe
Mirza – Will you buy me caviar and champagne?
Me – Yes, ok
Mirza – So cheeky! She said yes! Huh! No wonder no-one wants to marry her!

He injected silicon material into my ear, which made my ear feel like it was filling up with water, and pressed the impression hard into my ear – how very uncomfortable. He told me to bite my hand (this was a new one to me!), apparently this opens the ear canal by 20% and the resulting earmould will be a better fit. I was sitting there with my hand in my mouth, feeling like an utter fool, when he pulled out the desk drawer next to me and told me to lean my elbow on the edge of the open drawer. He then pulled some tissue off a roll and laid that across my lap and handed me even more tissue to hold. I looked at him in puzzlement.

Mirza – In case you dribble!

After a few minutes he told me to open and close my mouth rapidly, and pulled out the earmould impression. He then tidied up the impression with scissors. I put the hearing aid back in, took out the other one and turned round so Sara could do the other side. She was much more gentle! Mirza went off and came back after a few minutes. As he was loud, he startled Smudge who got up … Mirza tripped over his lead as he came through the doorway and I put out my arm to stop him crashing into me. Whew. They discussed Sara’s work, and next thing I knew, Mirza’s face was an inch from mine, with a pointed blue nose. He had removed the hardened silicone from the syringe and stuck it on the end of his nose.

Mirza – Helloooooo! Helloooooo!

At that point I cracked up and couldn’t stop giggling. With my hand stuck in my mouth, my elbow on a drawer, and tissue draped all over me in case I dribbled.

Mirza – You must stop giggling! You’re a very naughty girl. Naughty girls will get spanked and sent to the back of the classroom.

We finished the second impression and boxed them up. I asked for a copy of my audiogram and he gave me the blue ‘nose’. I stuck in on the end of my nose and went to walk out.

Mirza – You mustn’t wear that outside the hospital!
Me – Why not? It’s fun.
Mirza – We have to watch her.

We discussed frequency of re-tubing and my next visit.

Mirza – You will only see me. I have a short waiting list. I’m a Royal, you see. Blue blood in my veins. Oh yes. You must stop giggling. This is a happy hospital. It’s miserable outside isn’t it. Why would anyone want to come in and be miserable in here as well? So we have to make you happy, otherwise I’d be going home and slitting my wrists. Off you go!

Have you ever had so much fun at a hearing aid clinic? I can’t wait for my next visit.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

6 responses

1 02 2008
Smarty

I was a bit alarmed when I got to down to the spanking line. Wondered where this story was going! 😉

Nah – I’ve never had fun at an audiology clinic – they tend to be a pretty miserable bunch – audiologists!

1 02 2008
macian

Yes it was alarming, the spanking bit, not often you ehar stories like that these days with the threat of harrassment.
sounds a complete nutter, and what a cheeky one too, short legs lol, good job yer tough and have a sense of humor lassie lol

1 02 2008
Abbie

This had me cracking up like you wouldn’t believe!

6 02 2008
Lindsey

LOL thanks for the good laugh! In return here are some funny webisodes Pepsi has created using all deaf actors titled Bob’s House reaching out to the deaf community. Did you catch the commercial before the Superbowl? Well here is the link to the webisodes. Thought I would share with you since you gave me a good laugh reading your blog. Enjoy! http://my.break.com/content/view.aspx?ContentID=442998

7 02 2008
funnyoldlife

@ Smarty & Macian – did you think I *wasn’t* alarmed?!

@ Lindsey – thanks for the clip, loved watching it. I haven’t seen Superbowl at all as I’m in the wrong country. Is that unfortunate?

11 02 2008
tutleymutley

Hilarious! most of the audiologists I see are very friendly but not ONE has asked me to bite my hand, offered to spank me or questioned the length of my legs. Hmm, I feel like I’m missing out now.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s